DEATH & FEELING HELPLESS

Feeling helpless about how to help a friend or family member who's mourning a loss?

Small acts speak volumes. 

Here's how to help someone who's grieving, in simple, thoughtful ways:


Listen.

There's no need to rush in with words of comfort, especially if they don't come naturally.

Better: Simply make a space, with your companionable silence, for the bereaved to express herself if she chooses.

Don't hurry an emotional moment.

A common impulse when someone gets choked up with grief is to change the subject and try to shift to safer emotional ground.

Better: See the moment through. Pause. Offer a hug. Share your own comment about the person who died, if it feels appropriate. Be patient and unselfish about your own comfort. 

Talk about the person who died.

Don't avoid mentioning the person who died; he or she is still very much in the minds of grieving family and friends.

Better: Reminisce or mention how the person inspired you or made you happy. When they naturally come to mind, don't be afraid to say things like, "Wouldn't Lucy have loved these flowers?" or, "I can just hear Bill saying, 'It's a great day for fishing!'"

Stick to honesty over platitudes.

There's no "right" thing to say to a survivor, but there are plenty of wrong things, like these 10 things never to say to someone who's grieving.
 1. How are you doing? 

2. God is in control./ It's God's will./There's a reason for everything. 

3. I know how you feel.....I lost my_______________ too. 

4. He is in a better place. (And other vomitus religious platitudes.) 

5. At least you have other children. 

6. God wanted another angel. 

7. It was his/her time to go. 

8. You have to be strong for "_____________. " 

9. God never give us more than we can handle. 

10. Call me of there's anything I can do for you. 

Better: If you're tongue-tied, acknowledge it. Try, "I don't know what to say. Please know I'm thinking about you." Or, "I can't imagine what each day is like for you now. I'm here for you."

Don't ask how you can help; just do.

Asking even simple questions ("Do you want me to pick up milk for you?" "What do you like to eat?") puts an added burden on the bereaved. Especially soon after a death, someone who's mourning may be physically and emotionally incapable of such decision making.

Better: "See the need, do the deed." Simply step in when you see a need: Furnish a meal (ready to eat or freeze, in disposable containers that don't need to be returned), organize regular meal delivery, pick up milk or eggs or fresh bread when you're at the store and leave them in a cooler on the porch, mow the lawn, take care of the car, stop by to walk and feed the dog. Think of essential tasks that can be handled unobtrusively.

The words we choose matter. They communicate our understanding of the character of God and his place in suffering. We could learn a lot from Job's friend's...they were perfect when they were silent.

At best it's simple: HUG. 

Coffee is on the house today, for everyone! 

Robbie Sprague